Embracing my gray hair - a q&a
It’s been three years since I decided to stop dying my hair. And while being a 39-year-old lady with gray hair surely isn't for everyone, I'm finding that it really is for me! So today I wanted to share more of my experience and answer the questions you guys asked me about gray/grey/silver hair over on Instagram. We’re talking about my must-have hair care products, growing out dye, “do I feel older”, eyebrows, purple shampoos, and more. Let’s get into it…
psst: for those of you here just for the old houses and renovations, come back tomorrow for more of our usual content :)
BTW I’m sharing photos of me from this summer mostly taken by Garrett. Gray is such a chameleon color, I find it’s really hard to accurately capture in photos - outside it sparkles, inside you get more contrast, freshly washed it’s 3x grayer than when it’s greasy, etc - so I’m sharing lots of photos so you can see the whole range.
Okay let’s get to it. Here are some of the questions you guys asked over on Instagram…
At what age did you first start finding grays? Just a few or a lot?
I found my first grays in high school (at about 16). At first I pulled them out and when there were too many I started high-lighting my hair and moved onto all-over dye in my 20’s. You can read more about that here.
What hair products do you use to keep your silver so shiny?
Hair care products was most people were curious about! I’ve been playing with products for awhile now and here are the ones I’ve found to work best on my grays…
purple shampoo - I’ve used SO many purple products and so far this is my favorite! It keeps gray hair from turning yellow or green but doesn’t leave hair stiff. I use this once or twice a week.
basic conditioner & conditioning mask - I alternate between these two conditioners. There’s something about that inexpensive basic conditioner that my hair loves!
leave in conditioner - this makes hair SO soft! It was a game changer for my coarser grays and made me love my hair a lot more!
style prep - I spray this in wet hair before blow drying. Technically it says it’s for fine hair but my hair dresser used this on me at my last cut and I loved how it turned out.
light hold hair spray - my hair just doesn’t hold curls like it used to, so I use this light hairspray (zero crispiness!) when I add curls.
Finding the right products has been a work in progress, but I’m pretty smitten with all of these.
What percentage of gray would you say you have?
Maybe 65% or so…? There’s still plenty of dark strands, especially on the bottom back of my head. The gray seems to concentrate in areas.
How did you go about envisioning what it would look like? To make sure you’d like it?
I think the hardest part of growing out my dye was not knowing what the gray would look like. And honestly, I thought I would be a lot more gray than I turned out to be! But I think the best way to envision it, is to find inspiration. For me, finding Sarah Harris, a Vogue editor who’s completely gray, was a big turning point. Suddenly I saw gray as stylish and cool. Here are some other IG accounts to check out: @silverstrandsofglitter, @silvergirlmx, @manoncrespi, @grey_so_what, @annikavonholdt, @freshbeautystudio, @alanasparrow…
Does your hair feel healthier from not dying it?
I feel like I should shout this: MY HAIR IS SO MUCH HEALTHIER SINCE I STOPPED DYING IT! It’s definitely one of my favorite things about embracing the gray :) Despite being corse my hair is softer than it has been in 20 years.
When you are out and about does anyone ever comment?
Yup. I do get comments when I’m out and about (and sometimes stares), but every single one of them has been positive. Not going to lie, I soak them up! I definitely never got comments when I was dying my hair.
Do you feel the need to have more styled hair with gray/ Feel like I look lazy/unkempt.
100% yes. This is a personal opinion about myself and not directed at anyone else, but I’ve found that I need to dry my hair and style it in order to feel put together and intentional. Plus I’m really trying to be a good steward of gray hair so want it to look it’s best!
Did you change makeup routine? Wondering how to not look washed out.
I haven’t changed my makeup routine very much other than adding bronzer in the winter. But I’m pretty lazy with makeup anyway - I just use mascara and something to fill-in my brows. But my sister keeps encouraging me to go with a red lip and maybe I will someday! I’ve also found myself playing with colors and clothes to keep from looking washed out. I’ve been gravitating towards pinks, blues, and warm orange tones around my face. And I’ve avoided super high necklines and black. Still playing with this.
Is your hair texture different?
Oh my gosh it’s SO different. My grays are corse and not nearly as curly as my non-gray hair was. It was an issue whether I dyed my hair or not, but at least the lack of dye keeps my hair healthier and softer.
Do you feel older with gray hair?
Yes and no. When I started growing my dye out I did feel older. But the longer I’ve had it, the more I’ve come to love it and seen gray as a beautiful color in it’s own right rather than a sign of age. It was definitely a mind shift.
Have your brows gone grey also? If so, how do you color them?
A lot of questions about brows! And honestly I haven’t thought about them. I’ve never had much brows to begin with and have been coloring them in since I was a teenager so I’m still doing that with a medium brown color. I don’t see myself going with a lighter color for fear of getting washed out.
Does your twin sister have gray hair too?
Only her hair stylist knows 😉 jk You can read about that here.
Did you cut any length off your hair to help with the grow out?
I used to have long hair but chopped it part-way through the grow out stage. That was a big turning point for me and really helped me see a light at the end of the tunnel. Highly recommend! The grow out stage is not easy (more on that here).
I’m 32, brunette and getting LOTS of gray. Any tips for the salt and pepper period?
I was dying during the salt and pepper phase, so don’t have good advice here. But if you don’t love the look and don’t feel like embracing it, you might try highlights or semi-permanent dye. The all-over permanent dyes are really hard to maintain, but highlights are way more forgiving.
Do you wash your gray hair with a shampoo specifically formulated for gray hair?
I already mentioned that I use this purple shampoo, but I thought I’d share more about why I like purple shampoos. We have hard water with a lot of iron in it so purple shampoo is a must for me to keep my grays from turning yellow or green. I’ve tried a few different shampoos/conditioners and this one is by far my favorite! It’s gentle, not-too-messy, and keeps my hair soft. I learned the hard way that too much purple shampoo will make your hair course(er!) and heavy and kind of frizzy and too little will leave it yellow or even green (see my last Christmas family photo!). I’m still figuring out the right balance of purple shampoo.
I’m growing mine out now and you are my inspiration, actually!! How long did it take?
Yay! I’m so flattered. It took me about 2 1/2 years to get completely dye free plus a couple short chops. And it would have been shorter if I didn’t add highlights to soften the grow-out line during the process.
Do you ever consider dying it again?
The last time I got a haircut I actually asked the hairstylist about adding silver highlights. Honestly I just can’t wait for my hair to get more gray! She recommended against it - dyed gray is apparently hard to keep toned - and honestly I don’t think I could handle routine dye again anyway.
What tool have you been using to get your grey curls, and how do you do it?
I dry my hair a couple times a week and sometimes add soft waves with a flat iron and they usually last a couple days with a light hair spray. I’m a runner so my hair goes up in a pony tail most days so I’m constantly flattening out that little bump in the back, too.
Do people mistake you for being older than you are? You look great. It’s my worry for me.
This was a big worry for me too. And honestly, yes it’s happened, but only from the back. I was with my friend once and someone called me her mom, but once I turned around she realized her mistake. Gray hair on women has gotten so much more common, so I don’t think it’s something people will mistake as often as they used to. But I have changed my skincare routine for this very reason and started using anti-wrinkle creams to help with lines under my eyes. I’m all for embracing wrinkles, but I might just wait a few more years first ;)
Why?
I assume this one is about why I decided to stop dying and embrace my grays. So many reasons! I think anyone who’s a brunette or has dark hair and has to dye every 3-4 weeks to cover a whole lotta grays, can relate to the hamster wheel that is. My hair was unhealthy and I hated it. So I figured it couldn’t be any worse gray, and honestly I like it WAY more now. Plus I’m saving a thousands every year on not dying and I’m not putting as many chemicals on my body. And everyone’s going to go gray eventually (if we’re lucky to live long enough) so I figure I’m just beating my peers to the punch. By the time they get to be as gray as me, I’ll have my hair all figured out ;)
psst: photos of me by Garrett, my biggest cheerleader when it comes to embracing the grays. :)
